Fear

In which Haft reflects on what will happen if Lanisen tells Cor about Haft’s history, and Haft has an argument with himself

Another solitary reflection

Haft stands upon the Inner Wall Walk, unable to sleep.

“Will you tell him?”

His words to Lanisen echo painfully in his mind.  He can’t imagine seeing the look in the boy’s eyes.  Anger, confusion, fear?  What could he ever say or do to explain?  Nothing could be enough.

Decide now, man, or you’ll not have the courage to face him then.  You’ll turn and run like a coward is what you’ll do.

I am a coward.  Facing him might just break me.  Facing Lanisen was bad enough.  I can’t do it with Cor.

So you’ll walk away, leave him to wonder?

I can’t face him.

You have to.  You can’t…do that to him.

So what do I do?

You answer his questions, just like you’d answer his father’s…and then you go.

Go…

Offer to leave, ask for a transfer.  Go to Coghill or Carmichael or Lancelyn Green.  Somewhere he doesn’t have to look at you.

That’s the coward’s way out.

Not if you’re doing it for him.

I’ve only just come home.  I can’t lose it so soon.

Go to Peridan, if Garian won’t transfer you.  Tender your resignation.  He’ll hold to his offer.

I can’t…I’m home.  I can’t.

For Cor…

By the mane, Lanisen, please, don’t tell him…

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